My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize