Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
