Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize