Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
