I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize