Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
