Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
