his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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