Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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