spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
