I want you more than these girls want KFC
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
