i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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