I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
