Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
