i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
