How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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