I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
