You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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