3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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