if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
