I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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