I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
