Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
