I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
