The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
