when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
