Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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