Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
