Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
