I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
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