I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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