I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
