Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
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