she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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