I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My dad just said "fuck circus"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
