so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
