Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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