I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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