i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
