corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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