Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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