Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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