I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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