I'm so fucking centered right now
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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