I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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