Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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