Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
