i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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