True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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