my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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