You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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