thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
