I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
