I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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