cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
