That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
