did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
When did angry sex become our thing?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
