come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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